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[30 Aug 2009|12:36pm] |
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music |
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emancipator - good knight |
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sartre argued that masochism is an attempt by the For-itself (consciousness) to reduce itself to nothing, becoming an object that is drowned out by the "abyss of the Other's subjectivity".
by this sartre means that, given that the For-itself desires to attain a point of view in which it is both subject and object, one possible strategy is to gather and intensify every feeling and posture in which the self appears as an object to be rejected, tested, and humiliated;
and in this way the For-itself strives toward a point of view in which there is only one subjectivity in the relationship, which would be both that of the abuser and the abused.
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[08 Jul 2009|11:16pm] |
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emancipator - anthem |
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today i got out of work early and i went to see loran so we could have a talk at ford field.
and i spilled my guts out to him, about what i was really feeling, what had happened to me.
he did the same, and we understood each other.
it was like talking to a kindred spirit.
he made me a mix CD, and this song, anthem, was on it.
on my way home i listened to it on repeat, and i started noticing all of the beauty around me.
the way the outline of the trees looked in front of a dark blue sky,
the way the little orange lights lit up my path home.
the way my legs shook as the small but frequent vibrations from the car hitting the potholes on rotunda moved its way up.
the way my hands moved on the steering wheel, at the helm of this machine that enables me to go places my body cannot take me.
i started to appreciate the little things of one big thing i've always loved to do; drive home around sunset.
the different colors the sky turns at that time. tonight it was a midnight blue, an azure, a warm vermillion in the distance.
there were tears in my eyes as i pulled into the driveway.
i thought, this is my town, this is my home.
this is who i am. this is who i used to be.
all of the people i loved.
adam. laith. ryan jent. ryan lang. sarah. megan. brittany. zak. michel. sam.
jacob. christen. mike woodard. mike cimeot. joe. lena. sorina. alex. dave.
mike petersen. loran.
all of the places i've been with them, all of the experiences i've felt with them.
i was loved. i was lucky.
who am i now? who have i become?
why do i just hinge on memories for a fleeting moment of happiness?
and then become melancholy when i realize that those people are gone?
i still love all of those people with all of my heart,
and that is why tears are streaming down my face.
this is my anthem for that part of my life, my celebration of a time and place that i will always cherish in my heart.
this is my anthem for the all of the beauty in my life that i never bothered to look at,
never bothered to appreciate until tonight.
and it's so beautiful that i can't help but cry about it.
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| excerpt from atlas shrugged |
[27 Apr 2009|09:26pm] |
"what do you want of me?"
"love." he answered.
"you don't love me. you dont love me or you wouldn't ask such a question."
"i did love you once, but it wasn't what you wanted. i loved you for your courage, your ambition, your ability. but it wasn't real, any of it."
"what a shabby idea of love!"
"jim, what is it that you want to be loved for?"
"what a cheap shopkeepers' attitude! to be loved for? so you think love is a matter of mathematics, of exchange, of weighing and measuring, like a pound of butter on a grocery counter? i don't want to be loved for anything. i want to be loved for myself-not for anything i do or have or say or think. for myself-not for my mind or body or words or works or actions."
"but then...what is yourself?"
"if you loved me, you wouldn't ask it. you wouldn't ask, you'd know. you'd feel it. why do you always try to tag and label everything? can't you rise above those petty materialistic definitions? don't you ever feel-just feel?"
"yes jim, i do. but i am trying not to, because...because what i feel is fear."
"of me?"
"no, not exactly. not fear of what you can do to me, but of what you are."
"you're not capable of love, you cheap little gold-digger! yes, i said gold-diggers. there are many forms of it, other than greed for money, other and worse. you're a gold-digger of the spirit. you didn't marry me for my cash-but you married me for my ability or courage or whatever value it was that you set as the price of your love!"
"do you want...love...to be...causeless?"
"love is its own cause! love is above causes and reasons. love is blind. but you wouldn't be capable of it. you have the mean, scheming, calculating soul of a shopkeeper who trades, but never gives! love is a gift-a great, free, unconditional gift that transcends and forgives everything. what's the generosity of loving a man for his virtues? what do you give him? nothing. its no more than cold justice. no more than he's earned."
"you want it to be unearned."
"oh you don't understand!"
"yes jim, i do. that's what you want-that's what all of you really want-not money, not material benefits, not economic security, not any of the handouts you keep demanding. all of you welfare preachers-it's not unearned money you're after. you want handouts, but of a different kind. i'm a gold-digger of the spirit, you said, because i look for value. then you, the welfare preachers...it's the spirit you want to loot. i never thought and nobody ever told us how it could be thought and what it would mean-the unearned in spirit. but that is what you want. you want unearned love. you want unearned admiration. you want unearned greatness. you want to be a man like hank rearden without the necessity of being what he is. without the necessity of being anything. without...the necessity...of being."
i have uncovered the secret of love. my philosophy of love.
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[12 Apr 2009|04:23am] |
today is the second full day that i've been in houston.
regardless of my horrible anti-socialism, and feeling like an intruder among these distant cousins i have not seen in over ten years, i've been having a lot of fun.
i've mostly been playing rock band and oblivion, talking, eating and drinking beer.
houston is a lot more green than i thought it would be.
i missed my connecting flight in dallas yesterday, so i didnt arrive until 6:30.
being here has put a lot of things into perspective for me, and i feel at peace again.
it's reaffirmed my recent decisions, and i have a better sense of myself.
its ironic how mandy and i have the same problems, the same feelings, all in parallel universes.
its like if you had told me we had grown up together instead of always apart.
talking to her outside her back yard, under the tranquil clear sky, made me feel not so alone for once, if only for a little while.
it's strange how when she came to new york, i pitted her.
now that i'm here outside of my own comfort zone, i envy her.
i had more things to write in here, but i lost my train of thought.
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[07 Mar 2009|11:22pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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'if there's anything i want you to learn before leaving tonight is this:
love your life and hate everyone else's.'
the acacia strain was sick tonight. what a show.
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| goodbye 2008. |
[31 Dec 2008|10:31pm] |
i decided to stay home with my grandma tonight, because chariot flaked on her and didn't come down from boston to spend new years with her.
we're not doing much, but i'm glad i stayed.
carl bought me cpt. morgan and jager, so i still getting wasted.
i feel bad for him because his new years plans fell through, and he's probably at rudy's right now.
but he knows how to make friends quick, so i think he'll be fine.
2008 was a tough year for me, but i've learned and grown a lot.
12 things i've learned about myself:
1. i am a very sensitive person, and i've built a huge emotional barrier to feel safer.
2. i am a very uptight person, and i only let myself go completely during sex.
3. i don't really love carl, because i still don't love myself.
4. i am too scared to be without a boyfriend.
5. my grandmother is shaping me into a better person.
6. i absolutely love to learn.
7. i have an incredibly quick and passionate temper, and i can't control it.
8. i'd rather have one person i depend desperately on for social interaction than keep multiple friends.
9. i do not know how to keep my emotions balanced.
10. i am too scared to do things on my own.
11. i do not have a healthy outlet to let out my frustrations.
12. i FEEL too deeply, and i live on touches and caresses.
12 things i wish/will work for/desire:
1. i want to be physically stronger.
2. i want to figure out how to control my wild temper.
3. i want to travel somewhere new.
4. i want to make new friends.
5. i want to keep henry in my life.
6. i want to go out more and not be such a hermit.
7. i want to stop feeling guilty about doing the things i love.
8. i want to slim back down to 150 lbs.
9. i want to learn as many new languages as i can.
10. i want to keep my good relationship with my grandmother.
11. i want to learn to LET GO OF EVERYTHING.
12. i want to learn how to love myself, flaws and all.
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[11 Dec 2008|04:19pm] |
If your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...
opening credits:
cky - flesh into gear
waking up:
the acacia strain - sun poison and skin cancer
first day of school:
rob zombie - superbeast
Falling in love:
lamb of god - for your malice
fight song:
boa - diamond heart
breaking up:
queens of the stone age - no one knows
prom:
capsule - idol fancy
Life:
korpiklaani - vesilahden verajilla
Driving:
36 crazyfists - the all night lights
Flashback:
utada hikaru - keep tryin'
Getting back together:
nothingface - defaced
Wedding:
capsule - end of summer
Party
the acacia strain - whoa! shut it down
Birth of a Child
aural vampire - darkwave surfer
Death scene
burning brides - heart full of black
Funeral song
boa - gyappu ni yarareta!
Ending credits
nothingface - for all the sin
lmao. this wins.
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[03 Nov 2008|05:28pm] |
as a side note to myself:
i am really anti-social at parties.
all i want to do is play video games or something.
i really am a goddamn hermit.
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[20 Oct 2008|04:25pm] |
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buckethead - nottingham lace |
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so my costume has been shipped; it'll probably be here on wedensday.
i'm keeping quiet on who i'm going to be; its a surprise.
i just really hope it fits!
hopefully the boots will be in this week too. i havent gotten an email from them yet.
my grandma and i found this cool 2 br in the building my grandma has been dying to live in.
if we get accepted, we're moving in next weekend.
only thing is that we need 2 roomates now, instead of 1.
and its getting really hard to find just one.
also, one of my co-workers is having problems with the guys who live in one of his rooms.
if he kicks them out, i'm thinking of taking it.
he lives in west harlem, on 145th and st nicolas. if i took it, i'd be 15 mins from work and like 30 minutes from school.
rent is 500 a month tops.
i'm kinda apprehensive though, cause i dont know if i want to live with him by myself.
but idk.
also, i have no idea what to do for my birthday.
carl is taking me to the philarmonic, but that'll be on the 15th, because i want to see a violin concerto. the one on my birthday is a piano one.
do i go to the bar? go bowling? paintballing? to the arcade?
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[23 Sep 2008|08:14pm] |
yayayayayayyy
i got a 96.5 on my anatomy test!
but i'm fucking sick, my face and throat hurts and all i want to do is sleep.
sucks that i have a quiz on material from chapter 3 tomorrow, and i havent gone over anything yet.
fuck, i'll just print it out and study tomorrow.
i'm going the fuck to bed!
i hate being sick.
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[30 Jun 2008|07:30pm] |
so i'm back from my week in dearborn, and i feel rested.
the first day back i had the urge to move back,
but the next day i remembered why i was dying to get out of there.
i can't believe how much i missed driving though.
i missed how cheap things are; i saw two movies for less than the price of one movie here.
a slice of cheesecake was $2.
i'm just sad i didn't get to see adriana; i didn't have her cell phone to call her.
the only new person i got to see this time around was brittany, otherwise i saw michel, kristin, and megan only.
i'm happy at work, especially since lupe left.
maybe in time i'll be able to be at ease with alejandro; he's the only person i don't really get along with.
carl's grandma died on friday. :(
the funeral is on wednesday, and i'm going to go for support.
sadly i only met her once, and didn't get a chance to see her again before she got real sick.
kristin is coming to town next week, and michel is coming 3 days after.
and next weekend is six flags! (lol i typed in cedar point as default)
oh and andrea is here for the month.
so now i have an excuse to go out on my day off and go to the zoo and parades and stuff.
there's so much stuff to do in the city in the summer!
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| i haven't done my tarot in a while. |
[05 Jun 2008|06:19pm] |
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gitarooman soundtrack - the legendary theme |
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X of swords:
trouble in personal relationships have been weighing in on your mind.
your ability to solve problems can be determined only when you apply what you know and feel.
king of swords (reversed):
jealousy abounds - in you or those around you.
watch out for narrow minds and prejudice.
develop your intellectual skills; play your hunches.
VII of cups:
truth is soon revealed.
act kindly and calmly.
this is no time to lose your cool.
reevaluate matters and set some long-laid plans in motion.
call an old lover just to say you're a better person for having known him or her.
zero the fool:
take things as they are.
matters are proceeding as planned.
do your part to settle outstanding disagreements.
kill others with kindness and let them suffer the consequences of their own actions.
this is a good time to build your investments or remodel your home.
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[23 May 2008|10:54pm] |
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korpiklaani - viima |
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PAGAN FEST WAS MASSIVE WIN
i haven't had seen such a good show in a long time.
i fell in love with turisas; they have a woman accordianist! (i wonder if that's spelled right)
not to mention their violinist is to die for.
what jealously to see him rock out on stage with an instrument i have some talent at.
i would love to do that for a living.
just the way they actually joked and talked to the crowd.
they even broke us up into groups and had us sing along to this old school tune.
i'm so sick of bands that just go up onstage, run through their setlist and then bounce.
i know it's metal, but it's not always that serious.
tyr was boring live, but not bad music to sit around to sit and drink to.
eluveitie was not bad, it was pretty metal to see their flutist headbanging.
i just had to fend off the mosh pit their whole set, and could barely see them cause i'm so short.
and ensiferum was pretty awesome, although they didn't play windrider. i was SOO dissapointed. their bassist busted out in this down south-type solo about halfway in their set, which was very amusing. they have a woman keyboardist, which is pretty cool too. they're the type of women that i like seeing on stage, not lamers like kittie.
god, i want to play violin again.
now korpiklaani needs to get their finnish asses over here and do a tour!
i want a summer house in finland so i can go to all the metal festivals they have.
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[23 Apr 2008|09:53am] |
tonight i'm going to a private screening of harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay with christina.
:)
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[07 Apr 2008|01:07pm] |
so i finally have internet in the apartment, but 2 days in i got a computer virus and can't open the internet anymore. ad-aware can't find anything, and norton is broke. i did a system restore point but it didn't work.
on the other hand, i have xbox live so the internet is not going to waste.
now i understand why people stop having lives. i want to play it all the time.
yesterday i went to washington d.c. with grandma and her friends for the cherry blossom festival. it was really, really cool, minus the cold and rainy weather. i really wish i hadnt lost my camera. the white house is REALLY small, it looks so much bigger in pictures. we skipped going to the lincoln memorial and that made me sad. we also went to the national aquarium too look at the fishies. my grandma's friends took pictures and video, so when they give me the CD, i'll upload some of it on here.
i'm probably going to quit work tomorrow, i can't take their shit anymore. but not to bitch and whine, i'm gonna suffice to say that thankfully i'll have more time to help grandma in the house and study for finals. i need to keep a 3.8 GPA, for god's sake.
michel is going to be here tomorrow for 10 days, and i'm real excited.
hopefully vladmir's friend can fix my computer for cheap so i can get on craigslist to look for another job. i'd love to be a dog walker, honestly.
i really don't want to work in another cafe anymore. too much stress for bad pay.
i need money to go to los angeles! i'm thinking about using the money i have saved up to go at the end of april, for spring break. but if i don't find a job quick i'll probably have to wait until late june or july.
i need to pay my final helio bill, and the broken contract penalty. i'm also debating whether i should take summer classes or just focus on saving money this summer/take a long break.
(on a side note, i really hate taking birth control. i'm so senstive and hormonal i feel like i'm going through puberty again. i have half a mind to keep on having irregular periods.)
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[17 Mar 2008|04:02pm] |
happy st patricks day!
all the mooks from jersey are walking around drunk today, all dressed up in irish garb. stay in your own fucking state, damn it.
i found out in chemistry last week that there's some amounts of radioactive radon in the ground under parts of northern new jersey, and it seeps into basements.
thats why new jersey is full of retards.
i did manage to take off this weekend, so i'm going on vacation finally.
grandma and i are either going to detroit or washington d.c.; she hasn't decided yet.
but if i do go home, it'll only be for 2-3 days.
last week my video ipod got stolen and i lost my monthly metrocard in the same day. there went almost $300 right there. i really wanted to cry.
i'm trying to look for a refurbished one as a replacement.
carl took me to see 10 000 b.c. to cheer me up, but the movie was just silly.
him and i had a fight on thursday, and it was our first big one.
he's been getting into this habit of coming to pick me up from work really late because he's out drinking with friends and either forgets or something weird has to happen to him on the way to come get me.
we didn't talk to each other until saturday.
today is the first day we've gone out since the fight, and things don't feel the same. i'm more like i am with the boyfriends i wasn't really in love with.
sassy, cold, bossy, ironic.
he's lost the 'oh he's the perfect guy' aura about him, and reality kinda hit me.
i hope this is temporary, because it's really silly. i really am in love with him.
things just tend to happen to freeze my heart over like the anarctic.
so today i skipped chemistry and math.
carl and i went to the tick tock diner on 34th to have breakfast.
faya and ben met up with us later.
the only reason why i'm in school right now is because i have to write an essay for my teacher.
vladmir is moving out when he comes back from cali april 1st.
my grandma has been driving him crazy for the past couple months.
i hope our next roomate isnt a stick in the mud; vlady made being in the apartment tolerable.
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[20 Feb 2008|03:41pm] |
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music |
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death cab for cutie - soul meets body |
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i have a huge headache right now, but thats cause its so damn cold outside.
shouldn't complain though, it hasnt been cold all winter.
i got off lucky this year.
i really want to go home.
i miss driving around with people, shooting the shit.
listening to CD's over and over.
i miss my friends. i miss the old days.
i went through my old CD's to rip onto my ipod a few days ago.
every CD makes me remember of a different point in my life.
korn makes me think of chasing zak around.
tenacious d was driving around with ryan and his stoner friends.
slipknot makes me think of hanging out with laith and ryan.
my arab/hip-hop mixes make me think of hanging with megan and adri.
my 80's mix was when i was tight with lena, jake and cims.
children of bodom makes me think of hanging with dave, matt, and mike.
it was really nice to just sit there and remember all the fun times i've had with everyone i've been friends with up to this point.
i switched cafes and now i work on 61 and lexington; about 2 blocks away from bloomingdales.
i still work at europan now, but only on sundays.
it's not bad at all, and i still get to sleep!
i'm going to buy this sony cybershot camera when i get out of my english class tonight.
whenever i get this itch, i can't ignore it; happened with my ipod and my printer.
then i'm gonna go get the gym membership on friday.
and the internet might be next week.
i'm cool to spend since i got my new metrocard and paid my atrocious phone bill. i can't wait until this goddamn contract is over.
fuck helio.
things with carl are going good. it's weird to finally pass the 5 month mark with someone and not be driven to the point of insanity yet.
he gets on my nerves sometimes, but we work things out.
i can't wait for spring!
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[04 Feb 2008|12:18pm] |
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capsule - electric light moon light |
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i was supposed to go in today to get the results of my gyn. exams, but
if i go now, i'll probably be late to math class, and my teacher is such
a twat to latecomers.
it just takes too long to get from tribeca to east harlem.
i keep calling to reschedule, but the number is always busy. -_-;
i bought myself guitar hero 3 on saturday, and it makes me very happy.
finally something new to do!
hooray the giants won!
i got to watch al eat a giantic cake because the patriots lost.
and naturally carl had to get all up in that, and dirtied my face up in cake.
i got to meet most of the crew that works at element in times square, and they're mad cool.
josh does amazing artwork; he passed around all his old sketchbooks.
whenever i figure out where i want to get a tattoo, i want him to design it.
i kinda want to go to the parade they're throwing for the giants tomorrow morning.
erica called me last week and asked if i wanted to work the night shift at the other cafe on 61st and lexington.
i jumped on it because i'm only working 2 days a week, and that's not even enough to pay for my lunch during the week.
i used last week's paycheck just on guitar hero 3.
i'm spending way too much money, and my savings is diminishing.
and i get to work with her again! i miss her lots.
not to mention its a whole lot closer to queens than columbus circle.
i found out the gym on 63rd drive is open 24/7, so i'm going to walk in and find out if its not that expensive.
I REALLY NEED TO GO TO THE GYM.
nadia is a fatty. :(
andreas birthday is coming up, and so is kristins!
i need to go shopping for the two of them.
maybe i'll do that tomorrow.
valentines day and carls birthday is coming up real soon too. :/
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[06 Dec 2007|04:30pm] |
i just got finished reading bits and pieces of my old journal.
i have this big psych paper due on the 17th, and i needed to read it to get an insight on how i've changed over the years.
i thought i was going to read about a very melancholy girl.
i was mad surprised to find that most of the entries i read were happy.
lots of them made me smile, and remember how silly i used to be.
tomorrow i'm going xmas shopping with christina.
i'm so exicted to blow my paycheck tomorrow, even though it isnt smart.
i'm not going home, because tickets are wayyy too expensive.
i'll take some time off in march and visit.
my parents are getting me an xbox 360 for christmas, hooray!
i still dont know what to get carl for xmas.
i want to get him a practice amp for his guitar, but i'm not so sure.
i should run up to sam ash and look around.
or maybe the metalocalypse season 1 dvd, idk.
work is going lots better now that claudia left and erika is working with me.
i was $12 short today, so i had to give up my tip.
i kinda don't give a shit no mores, i need to stop being so neurotic.
i got front-row tickets to the nutcracker on dec 28th for my gma's xmas present.
i'm just getting over this hardcore flu i've had for almost 2 weeks now.
my brother gave me his modded ps2 and his guitar hero custom for my birthday.
and hes gonna burn me another one for xmas, to my liking.
i want to get highlights and some more piercingsss.
my industrial is almost healed now, so i can buy some barbells for it.
i'm honestly, for the first time, in love.
and i'm in love with carl.
it's so simple, it just feels right.
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[01 Nov 2007|09:03pm] |
tomorrow is my 6th straight day of working.
i think my body is getting used to the lack of sleep.
i dont have energy to think though.
so i just stare out into space.
i space out a lot. and i'm very neurotic.
it wouldnt be a bad thing if i wasnt so emotionally weak.
i feel like a horse when something scares them.
today i was feeling good, but lately i've been frustrated with something i cant put my finger on.
i want to move out. and i prbly will after new years.
maybe i'll move in with jim in flushing. hahaha.
prbly not.
edit; i turn 19 in 7 days, i expect presents in the mail! ;P
(or at least a phone call.)
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